My heart really goes out to people who are single parents. I can't fathom having to do this on my own. Honestly, my heartfelt prayers are lifted up for people who, regardless of reason or circumstance, have found themselves in that situation. I would struggle to make it work in their shoes. Even when nothing is going particularly wrong, it's tough.
Rylie has been sick the last few days, and it has just totally broken my heart. There are very few things that I have experienced that make me feel as crappy as seeing my little girl sick. The expression on her face says "Why can't you make me feel better?" Because I am unusually sensitive as regards my emotions (I'm a crier), it's especially tough for me to handle. There were a couple times today where she had bouts of coughing that made me cry bitterly at my inability to take her cold away from her. Shawna handles it much better, and I'm glad that she does. I was a mess.
One of the primary reasons that this is so tough, I think, is that it takes me out of a position of control. Often times it is comforting for me to maintain the illusion that I have control over my life. I like to try to micromanage every detail of it so that it's understandable, compact, and easy to manipulate so that there are no unwanted surprises.
The truth is that these delusions of control are exactly that; delusions.
The reality is at once far scarier and yet far more comforting. I have no control. Part of understanding God's sovereignty is understanding my prolific inability to alter the circumstances of my life. Moments like today's, where I find myself totally unable to "fix" the problems my little girl faces are reminders of this truth. God is in control, I'm not. At times this is frustrating, at others, freeing. It is especially frustrating when it's simply a common cold and the doctors confirm that we've just got to wait it out...
I have to accept that there is nothing I can do, and that stinks. I'll be there to love her and hug her and kiss her and get her the rest she needs, but she's gotta do all the fighting. I hate that. I wish I could do it myself. I have a feeling I will be revisiting this sense of frustration at my inability to fix her problems later in life... especially in about 12-13 years...
In the meantime, God continues to provide opportunities for me to learn to trust Him and abide in Him.
"For in his heart a man makes his plans, but the LORD determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)
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