1 Year Reflections

Well, this weekend has seemed a perfect storm of eventfulness and emotion. As our church celebrated its 100th year of existence, our daughter celebrated the first year (outside the womb) of hers. After the flurry of bittersweet emotion yesterday and today, I'm comforting myself with NFL football and generic potato chips. Nothing to soothe the soul like a crispy flake of grease with no nutritional value. As I write this, Rylie is dealing with a pretty nasty cold, and while I've been rocking her back to sleep I've had a chance to reflect on the experiences of the past year. Here's what I've compiled:

A year ago today, I watched in awe as my wife brought our first child into this world. I cannot adequately describe the emotions that occurred within me as a new daughter opened her eyes for the first time and I heard my wife say so simply and profoundly "Hi Rylie, I'm your mommy!" I, in tears for most of the afternoon, remember her looking up at me for the first time and being suddenly aware of how unprepared I was for such an immense new set of responsibilities. The past nine months had been exciting, new, filled with expectation. This feeling was so much different; hopeful, beautiful, and yet accompanied with a noticeably weighty sense of trepidation. Whether it was emotion or adrenaline I can't know, but my mind felt so totally aware. So much unknown and uncontrollable. An intense realization of life's frailty and magnificence.

It was so much more amazing than I could have imagined. God's grace and power were so evident in that room. I remember just thanking God so much... I don't know why he would elect to give us such an incredible blessing. Being a daddy for the last 21 months has been like a crash course in God's sovereignty. When I think about what Rylie's birthday means, I see now that it's so much more about Christ than about us. Every smile, every joy we've experienced is a testament to his providential love.

Every time I see her smile, I have to give praise to the one who formed those beautiful eyes and goofy grin.

As I have watched her grow, one of the most common thoughts I've had is that our vocabulary does not have nearly the power to aptly describe what this sort of love is really like. I often attempt to tell Rylie how much I love her, but I never feel like words can do it justice. In moments like tonight, looking down at her sleeping sweetly in my arms as I rock her (stuffy nose and all), I realize that they're not supposed to.

A year ago today, something awesome happened. I learned in a powerful way that my life isn't about me. Every time I forget that fact, a beautiful, quirky, joyful little girl reminds me that my heart will never be mine again, nor would I want it to be.

Thank God I have an awesome wife...

My heart really goes out to people who are single parents. I can't fathom having to do this on my own. Honestly, my heartfelt prayers are lifted up for people who, regardless of reason or circumstance, have found themselves in that situation. I would struggle to make it work in their shoes. Even when nothing is going particularly wrong, it's tough.

Rylie has been sick the last few days, and it has just totally broken my heart. There are very few things that I have experienced that make me feel as crappy as seeing my little girl sick. The expression on her face says "Why can't you make me feel better?" Because I am unusually sensitive as regards my emotions (I'm a crier), it's especially tough for me to handle. There were a couple times today where she had bouts of coughing that made me cry bitterly at my inability to take her cold away from her. Shawna handles it much better, and I'm glad that she does. I was a mess.

One of the primary reasons that this is so tough, I think, is that it takes me out of a position of control. Often times it is comforting for me to maintain the illusion that I have control over my life. I like to try to micromanage every detail of it so that it's understandable, compact, and easy to manipulate so that there are no unwanted surprises.

The truth is that these delusions of control are exactly that; delusions.

The reality is at once far scarier and yet far more comforting. I have no control. Part of understanding God's sovereignty is understanding my prolific inability to alter the circumstances of my life. Moments like today's, where I find myself totally unable to "fix" the problems my little girl faces are reminders of this truth. God is in control, I'm not. At times this is frustrating, at others, freeing. It is especially frustrating when it's simply a common cold and the doctors confirm that we've just got to wait it out...

I have to accept that there is nothing I can do, and that stinks. I'll be there to love her and hug her and kiss her and get her the rest she needs, but she's gotta do all the fighting. I hate that. I wish I could do it myself. I have a feeling I will be revisiting this sense of frustration at my inability to fix her problems later in life... especially in about 12-13 years...

In the meantime, God continues to provide opportunities for me to learn to trust Him and abide in Him.

"For in his heart a man makes his plans, but the LORD determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9)

Picking Up Where I Left Off

I figure it's about time to resume this blog... it's been 5 months since Ry was born; coincidentally (or not), it's been 5 months since I blogged. I'd love to continue chronicling my adventure in learning to be a father.

What an adventure it is. There are so many complex combinations of emotions that present themselves on a day to day basis that it's exhausting. It's strange to feel such a depth of joy and amazement at her life combined with such a weighty awareness of personal responsibility. My sense of empathy for both her pains and her joys is immense (I almost threw a party when her two teeth came through!).

The result of so much intense and special emotion is a newfound tendency toward introspection and self analysis. I am constantly measuring my actions and assessing my attitudes. I have come to realize the extent of my selfishness and complacency as she requires more and more of me as a father. At once it is the most satisfying and most challenging season of my life so far.

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Please enjoy the immeasurable cuteness of the picture below. I stinkin' love this kid.

Today is the Day

...and this time I mean it. At about 2:10am this morning, Shawna and I woke up to quite the surprise. Shawna's water had broken. Saying it was a surprise is not as silly as it sounds for a man married to a woman 40 weeks pregnant. When Shawna went into the doctor on Wednesday, she was told that her labor would likely not progress naturally, so they would induce her on Tuesday, the 17th. As a result, we totally discounted the possibility of her going into labor beforehand.

At 2:10am, we learned very quickly that God had different plans. It's interesting how you can spend 9 months preparing for something and still have no idea what to do when it actually happens. Shawna and I spent about 10 minutes staring at each other blankly and wondering what to do before we packed up the car and headed to the hospital.

We got here around 3:00am, and everything went slowly for a long while. Shawna's contractions didn't quicken until she received some pitocin around 9am. Afterward, she progressed very well, and Rylie made her way down the route to freedom.

She finished that journey at 3:22 pm at an official weight of 7lbs. 12oz. and measuring at 20.5 inches long. She is beautiful and awesome, and almost totally content.

It's been a long day, and Rylie's watching some college football with us. We'll bring some more info in the morning. God is faithful and today was absolutely the most incredible day of my life, next to our wedding. I couldn't be happier to be a daddy.

Insightful Response

"I do read this thing. "

- Shawna

So Much Excitement I'm Getting Craftsy...

In other news, I just finished working on Rylie's first gift from her papa. To be fair, I guess Shawna helped a little. Only a little, though; meaning I did all the difficult and really awesome stuff. In case you were wondering. Btw, I hope she doesn't read this thing. :o)

T-Minus One Week and Counting...

Well, to add a slightly anticlimactic twist to the story of Rylie's spectacular entrance into this world, we received some news from the doctor on Wednesday. She told us that she wants Shawna to be induced on Tuesday. That's fine and dandy, and actually quite useful for planning purposes, but we definitely would appreciate prayer as we go in to the hospital. We'll go in on Monday night around 9pm, and Shawna will be induced around 9am the following morning. That means that unless Shawna goes into labor naturally before then, Rylie will be here on Tuesday!

We're pumped that we are so close to having her, and are eager to bring our child into this world. We are praying, however, that Shawna progresses into labor without having to be induced. Please do the same! Either way, we will update often throughout the whole process (I wanted to do live streaming video updates from the delivery room, but Shawna shot that idea down. Can't imagine why!). Pictures will follow once she's here!